It has been two emotionally challenging weeks since my last blog as I waited for test results on bone cancer. I now know I am clear. Thank God.
In the weeks that I was waiting for the result, I managed to keep my head in practical mode of ‘no point worrying about something when I didn’t know the result’.
There were a couple of times, however, when even though I thought I had successfully distracted myself from the worry, out of nowhere the emotions hit me like a bolt out of the blue and the tears flowed.
As I searched deep in to my heart and the tears that came, I realised it wasn’t through a fear of a positive result, how I would deal with it or the average life expectancy of 4 years with treatment.
It wasn’t fear that brought the tears. It was sadness.
A deep heart wrenching sadness that there were so many things that I hadn’t yet done. So many people I wouldn’t have the opportunity to connect with, to laugh with, have fun with, to experience love with.
So not fear, but a heart wrenching sadness and sense of loss.
My results came in on email.
I was on my own, my curser hovering over the pdf file for what seemed like eternity.
And all that sense of sadness and loss came flooding back. One double click and my life could go one way or another. With a negative result, it would give me another opportunity. Another opportunity to grab hold of my health and do all I could do to beat Lyme Disease and the list of things wrong with me.
One double click of the mouse and I would be around the corner facing the path ahead. Not knowing if I would be heading in to cancer treatment or free to find a way to enjoy life and love and laugh again.
One double click – a negative result!
Once again the tears flowed. But this time because of the joy at knowing I had another chance for so many happy times in life.
I still need to find my way through to better health but for all of you reading this I just want to say – please make the most of every day.
Find happiness in every day.
Tell the people closest to you how much you appreciate and love them. Let go of the little irritations. Disagreements often come from people having different starting points, so step into someone else’s reality and have conversations from that place. Listen more, talk less.
Don’t get so caught up in the day to day and ‘to do’ lists that you miss the beauty in the sun rising and setting.
Live your life without regrets so you can limit the sadness. None of us really know what is around the corner, so love and live your life fully.
I certainly intend to.